By Cameron Purcell, Columnist
It was a bright, lovely day and I was free to flee to the comforts of my home. After calling for a ride from the PAC building, I began to head towards the SCC and await my departure. Though on the way, I happened upon the setting of tables and golf carts. My curiosity took hold of me and I was compelled to find out what was going on here.
As it turned out, Lone Star College -Kingwood was setting up a drunk driving simulator, with free drinks to those that completed the simulation! The drinks were water of course, not alcohol.
I was the first to arrive. Therefore, I was the first to be given the opportunity to participate in the activity, and I would finally fulfill my dream of driving a campus golf cart! Albeit, I would be wearing goggles to simulate drunkenness, but golf cart driving nonetheless.
I entered a golf cart alongside one of the campus officers, who handed me a pair of drunk goggles. I was very confident in my driving abilities. At worst, I thought these goggles would make things blurry and dark, and that I’d be able to easily drive around the traffic cones they had set up. I thought I was the undisputed Greek God of automobiles.
Much to my surprise, however, these goggles were the trippiest thing on the planet. My vision was severely distorted. I saw bazillion things around me overlapping with one another with an orange haze. It was like the universe unraveled itself before me then threw acid on my eyeballs.
Despite this turn of events, I was determined to drive through the traffic cones like the unlicensed driving master I believed myself to be. While I managed to not hit any cones, I swerved about haphazardly in my concentration merely making it through the path they had set before me, and so I was “pulled over” by an officer.
To truly test how ‘drunk’ I was, I was made to walk in a straight line with the goggles on. This proved to be my undoing. The line I was meant to follow was in front of me, but it also appeared to be to my left, right, up, down, everywhere! At least with driving, I did not need to balance myself. But here? I nearly fell over twice!
Consequently, I had failed the task, proving that even the greatest of us can succumb to the mighty influence of alcohol upon consumption. When I went to get my free bottle of water, I was asked, “So what were the goggles like?”
I smiled and said, “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”
Illustration done by Emory Aguilar.
